Well Here it is. To borrow a line from my Friend Keath, I am just going to back the dump truck up here and unload. I used to consider myself a fairly faithful Christian years ago, The I drifted away and back again. Now I would probably consider myself an Agnostic. Why? Because I just for the life of me cannot see how a "Loving God" could Take my 28 Year old son from me on Feb. 14th of last year and My wife of nearly 30 years one year less two days Later. Sure Danny had health issues but he was a Happy Boy that Loved everyone. My wife Debbie had the Same disease. Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. I had been my wife's care giver for so long that not only did I lose my spouse and my Love and best friend I also lost what had become my purpose in life. when a person is a care giver for someone(especially a loved one) it becomes an addiction of sorts. I miss her more with each passing day and I just don't feel like going on sometimes. At times the pain is so intense that I have actually considered suicide by cop. Not having the Balls to do it my self. That plus the part of me that still might believe in God Knows that it is a sin to take your own life. So "IF" there is an after life I want to go to the good one.

To make matters worse I am still caring for Debbie's brother Darrel. He has the same disease and it is getting worse. I am watching him die slowly but surely before my eyes. I would venture to say, since both his sisters didn't live pass 54 and his mom(same damn disease) past 60 that he doesn't have mush Longer.He is 53 now. And being as caring for them is all I have done for nearly 13-15 years I am just about unemployable . That and My own health problems make me unable to do much more than keep up the Apt. and cook for the two us. I have applied for disability and am still awaiting the outcome. If anything happens to Darrel before my savings are depleted I will most likely end up homeless on the street. I would rather be dead. Hell most days That's how I feel anyway. One minute I am ok and the next I am crying like A baby. Feeling guilty like if I had been a better husband or better care giver maybe she would still be here. I know that isn't the case but one can't control the subconscious.

Time Heals all???

I know that they say that "Time heals all wounds" But I think not. It has been nearly two and a half months since my wife passed away. I guess in the grand scheme of things that isn't a long time. We were married nearly 30 years. Every day the pain of not having her by my side grows stronger. My depression grows deeper. I miss her so much I cry almost every morning and at night. There are days when I just feel like giving up, like I don't want to live anymore. I guess because most of my time was devoted to caring for her because of her disability I feel as if my life has no purpose. Add to that that I also lost my son to the same disease less than a year earlier I feel like God is punishing me for some reason. To take the two most important people in my life from me in such a short period of time just doesn't seem fair. I can't look at her picture or even her clothes without breaking down in tears. I know that there has to be a time for me to clean out her dresser and remove some of her belongings but I just can't even look at most of them right now. I am 54 years old and I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life alone and that scares me half to death> I hate being alone. After all, we were together nearly every day of those 30 wonderful years.

The Wizard Was Right

"Hearts will never be Practical untill they can be made Unbreakable"
L Frank Baum.

This is a line from The"Wizard of Oz"

i really don't know what to do with myself lately. I wake up ok but within a few minutes I start to cry. I have no energy or ambition to do anything but sleep. And every night I cry myself to sleep. Yesterday I realized that I don't even have a recording of her voice. God I don't want to forget what she sounded like. I didn't think I even had any video. But last night I found a video of one of our trips to Marine World. Unfortunately she is only on there a couple of times and the focus isn't to good part of the time. But at least I have an image of her alive and happy. I wish I wish I had taken more shots of her. Oh crap, I am crying as I write this, I miss her so much. It has been over a month. But one month against nearly 30 years and it isn't much time at all i guess. I am scared though because I have been having suicidal thoughts. Life just doesn't seem worth living without her. I don't qualify for unemployment because IHSS didn't cover UI for spouses who cared for spouses. I am not physically able to do manual Labor or even fast food. so now I have to go through the ugly process of applying for disability. They deny as a matter of routine and you have to appeal and appeal again then get a Lawyer Blah Blah Blah.

In a Dream

You came to me in my Dreams last night my Love.
You were young and vibrant. I could hear your voice softly telling me you Love Me. Oh how I wish that it were not a Dream. I miss you so much my heart aches. I pray that there is a heaven and that you are there with Danny and enjoying being free of the burdens of Life. I hurt for my self though because Life without you is unbearable. I pray each day for the strength to carry on. But sometimes it is hard. Sometimes I just want to come be with you. I want to believe that there is something after this Life. I Have to believe it. For without that hope I have nothing. I LOVE YOU

Waves of Emotion

I had to remove the picture of Debbie that was at the head of this Blog because every time I come here It would set off waves of emotion that made me start Crying. I miss her so much. I have to start doing something positive for myself each day. Yesterday I went to have my taxes done and found that I will be getting a $1200 refund. I am very thankful for that because with my huge loss of income from being Debbies caregiver I will need it. When a person is a caregiver for someone for so long it becomes an obsession of sorts. I have forgotten how to look for work. I applied for unemployment benefits but mistakenly clicked no when asked if I had any physical limitations. Well I do. I have Hep-C, Liver disease and degenerative disc disease in my back which causes sciatica(nerve pain). My resume is empty except for the last ten years + as a care giver. My experience as a sound engineer and TV studio tech was so long ago that it is obsolete now. It is going to be hard to find a job I am suited for. All I have done for the past ten years is be a care giver. I still take care of her brother. But his disease hasn't progressed to the level Debbies had. I am thinking about Vocational rehab. Maybe get my fork lift cert. Back. I was a really good fork lift driver but it was so long ago.
The worse times are the mornings and late evenings when I miss her the most. I can not even begin to remove her belongings from the dressers and closet. It is too painful. I imagine I will get around to it eventually. I want to be happy again. I know that my wife Loved me and would want that for me as well. But right now The grief is still to fresh.

Build Memories, Not Regrets

If you are Lucky enough to Love someone who Loves You in return. Love them like there is no tomorrow. For there may not be a tomorrow. Build good memories. Not Regrets. Good memories will help you get through. Regrets will not. NEVER miss an opportunity to show them how much they mean to You. And NEVER take them for granted.

Debbie, I'm Thinking of you

"You were in my arms
Right where You Belong
And we were so in Love
It Was Almost Like A Song

Now My Broken Heart
Cries for You Each Night
And it's Almost Like A Song
But It's Much To Sad To Write"

When I reach for you each morning
and realize your not there
The pain I feel within my heart
is more than I can Bear
But I'll try to find the strength my Love
To Carry on with Life
and shout it from the mountain tops
I'm Proud you were My Wife.

The loneliness Is unbearable and the silence is deafening. I can still hear her voice calling from the other room, Honey can you Bring me something to Drink"? And I find myself starting to move as if to head for the kitchen when it hits me that it was all in my head and that she is no longer there. I try to find comfort in the thought that she is no longer in pain but at rest and at peace with the Lord, But My Faith I believe has been shakin a bit. I wonder how a Loving God could take both my son and my wife of so many years from me in less that a years time. I find it hard to look at the picture at the head of this blog without bursting into tears, so I may remove it. I don't Know. It hurts to cry, it hurts not to cry. It just plain Hurts. I know I have to start getting my ducks in a row financially because my savings are not going to last forever. But Right now I just don't feel like doing anything but sleeping because when I am asleep it doesn't hurt. Writing about all this on this blog does seem to help some as I really have no one to talk to about it. My church family has been of help but that just brings me back to the whole "Do I really Believe" thing. It is hard for me to believe like I said that a Loving God would take so much from me in such a short Time.

the crying has started again

God the crying has started again. I just can't seem to stop myself. I miss her so bad I hurt all over. Nothing I do seems to help me take my mind of of it. I will be ok one minute, then I look up and expect to see her standing there and I start to cry like a baby when I realize that she is really gone forever. I miss her touch, her smell, her voice, I even miss her complaining. I would give anything to hear her complain again. I hope that I can build the strength to get through this. I am truely scared to Death of a Future without her. Right now I feel like I have no Future. I have smoked so many cigarettes in the past to weeks that my throat hurts and the worry gene in me is afraid I have cancer or something which is compounding my anxiety. I feel empty and useless at this point.

Memorial Service

Well yesterday was the day. We held the memorial service for my Wife Debbie. Saw a lot of Family that I haven't seen in a while. The trouble with that is , is the only time we do seem to see each other is at Funerals, oh and an occasional wedding now that my Nieces and Nephews are getting into ther mid to late twenties. It was a Lovely service. Pastor Frank Did a great Job with the slide show and audo presentation and the Message. Looking at some of the photos from our wedding made me remember Just How beautiful My Debbie was. Iwas a little heart Broken that the person who proclaimed to be her "Best Friend" Did not show up. All week long she had been helping me prepare things and the morning of the service was even dressed to go. Had something prepared that she wanted to read and then just didn't show up. Hasn't called or answered her phone to say why, Nothing. I guess I should be understanding being as she is the type of person that goes to pieces and becomes meg-neurotic when a cat gets sick or dies. Maybe she just figured that she would become too emotional and backed out at the last minute. On the other hand she has a flip side personality that is very self centered and does irrational things and has a very High opinion of herself at times. Just a mixed Bag I guess. So I'll just have to let it go because if I mention it to her she will go all emotionally ballistic and turn it into a feud of sorts, Seen her do it before. Weel Gotta go for now. Hard to type when eyes are filling with tears.

Today is the day of my Wife's funeral/Memorial Service. It will probably without a doubt be the most difficult day of my entire life. Nothing else I can think of even comes close to having to say goodbye to my Debbie. Last night My sister came by and I gave her the best of Debbie's porcelain Doll collection to distribute among the nieces. I know that Debbie would have wanted that. She was so proud to be an Aunt. In doing so I came across the last Doll that she bought. It was never opened because I told her that there was no space for it yet. I had planned on buying her a display cabinet for the. It just breaks my heart that she never got a chance to see it displayed. It was her favorite kind, an Indian all dressed in leather with the colorful beads and feathers and such. I sure hope that I hold up ok at the service.

Only out of frustration.

I want to point out that any negative things that I may have ever posted on this Blog about My Beautiful wife Debbie were strictly out of frustration from dealing with her disease. I didn't mean any of it. I realize to late it seems just how much I Loved her and how she Loved me. A phrase from the song "Big Tellow taxi" comes to mind.

" Don't it always seem to go
That you don't what you've got Till it's Gone"

I Love you Debbie and I miss you oh so Very Much.

A rose is gonna fall
An Angels gonna call on you
To Help you on your way
Time spent toether
Like now is forever
Don't ever Let this Love slip away

Dave Mason - Every Woman

When Debbie and I were first married I had to leave after 6 months to serve an 8 Month jail sentence.(That's right I was a Bad Boy) Anyway I played this song for her on my Guitar and bought the album. I told her that when she got lonely for me to just listen to this song and she would know how musch I loved her. It worked, we were married 29 years. Debbie I still Love You With all My Heart

For Debbie With Love.

The tears I Cry I Cry for Me
For I know that your with Jesus
And I realize his plans for us
May not always Please Us
But I know some day I'll be with you
Tho' it may not be tommorow
Because the time we Live our lives on Earth
Is time thats only Borrowed.

You can't run from Insanity

It's true. You can't run from insanity. No matter how far you go it always follows you and when you return it is always there. You can't argue with it either because it will always believe it is right. It pounds you in the head and tears out your soul till in time (to paraphrase Bob Seger)There is nothin' left to burn and Nothin' left to lose. Or so it seems anyway. You just feel like curling up on the floor with a bottle of ativan and letting nature take its coarse. But that would be the cowards way out. A permanent solution to a "Temporary"? Problem. You can Hire help to relieve the pressure but they don't see the same things you see. They see a ,(for lack of better words)Photo shopped ) Version. Sort of like an old Broken Down house that has been dressed up for sale with a thin veneer of new plaster and a few other cosmetic features designed to draw attention away from the underlying, Broken and Crumbling foundation. Not to mention the Bats in the attic. This is not a report from "The Twilight Zone. And I sure as hell ain't Rod Serling