Well Here it is. To borrow a line from my Friend Keath, I am just going to back the dump truck up here and unload. I used to consider myself a fairly faithful Christian years ago, The I drifted away and back again. Now I would probably consider myself an Agnostic. Why? Because I just for the life of me cannot see how a "Loving God" could Take my 28 Year old son from me on Feb. 14th of last year and My wife of nearly 30 years one year less two days Later. Sure Danny had health issues but he was a Happy Boy that Loved everyone. My wife Debbie had the Same disease. Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. I had been my wife's care giver for so long that not only did I lose my spouse and my Love and best friend I also lost what had become my purpose in life. when a person is a care giver for someone(especially a loved one) it becomes an addiction of sorts. I miss her more with each passing day and I just don't feel like going on sometimes. At times the pain is so intense that I have actually considered suicide by cop. Not having the Balls to do it my self. That plus the part of me that still might believe in God Knows that it is a sin to take your own life. So "IF" there is an after life I want to go to the good one.

To make matters worse I am still caring for Debbie's brother Darrel. He has the same disease and it is getting worse. I am watching him die slowly but surely before my eyes. I would venture to say, since both his sisters didn't live pass 54 and his mom(same damn disease) past 60 that he doesn't have mush Longer.He is 53 now. And being as caring for them is all I have done for nearly 13-15 years I am just about unemployable . That and My own health problems make me unable to do much more than keep up the Apt. and cook for the two us. I have applied for disability and am still awaiting the outcome. If anything happens to Darrel before my savings are depleted I will most likely end up homeless on the street. I would rather be dead. Hell most days That's how I feel anyway. One minute I am ok and the next I am crying like A baby. Feeling guilty like if I had been a better husband or better care giver maybe she would still be here. I know that isn't the case but one can't control the subconscious.