i really don't know what to do with myself lately. I wake up ok but within a few minutes I start to cry. I have no energy or ambition to do anything but sleep. And every night I cry myself to sleep. Yesterday I realized that I don't even have a recording of her voice. God I don't want to forget what she sounded like. I didn't think I even had any video. But last night I found a video of one of our trips to Marine World. Unfortunately she is only on there a couple of times and the focus isn't to good part of the time. But at least I have an image of her alive and happy. I wish I wish I had taken more shots of her. Oh crap, I am crying as I write this, I miss her so much. It has been over a month. But one month against nearly 30 years and it isn't much time at all i guess. I am scared though because I have been having suicidal thoughts. Life just doesn't seem worth living without her. I don't qualify for unemployment because IHSS didn't cover UI for spouses who cared for spouses. I am not physically able to do manual Labor or even fast food. so now I have to go through the ugly process of applying for disability. They deny as a matter of routine and you have to appeal and appeal again then get a Lawyer Blah Blah Blah.