The Wizard Was Right

"Hearts will never be Practical untill they can be made Unbreakable"
L Frank Baum.

This is a line from The"Wizard of Oz"

i really don't know what to do with myself lately. I wake up ok but within a few minutes I start to cry. I have no energy or ambition to do anything but sleep. And every night I cry myself to sleep. Yesterday I realized that I don't even have a recording of her voice. God I don't want to forget what she sounded like. I didn't think I even had any video. But last night I found a video of one of our trips to Marine World. Unfortunately she is only on there a couple of times and the focus isn't to good part of the time. But at least I have an image of her alive and happy. I wish I wish I had taken more shots of her. Oh crap, I am crying as I write this, I miss her so much. It has been over a month. But one month against nearly 30 years and it isn't much time at all i guess. I am scared though because I have been having suicidal thoughts. Life just doesn't seem worth living without her. I don't qualify for unemployment because IHSS didn't cover UI for spouses who cared for spouses. I am not physically able to do manual Labor or even fast food. so now I have to go through the ugly process of applying for disability. They deny as a matter of routine and you have to appeal and appeal again then get a Lawyer Blah Blah Blah.

In a Dream

You came to me in my Dreams last night my Love.
You were young and vibrant. I could hear your voice softly telling me you Love Me. Oh how I wish that it were not a Dream. I miss you so much my heart aches. I pray that there is a heaven and that you are there with Danny and enjoying being free of the burdens of Life. I hurt for my self though because Life without you is unbearable. I pray each day for the strength to carry on. But sometimes it is hard. Sometimes I just want to come be with you. I want to believe that there is something after this Life. I Have to believe it. For without that hope I have nothing. I LOVE YOU

Waves of Emotion

I had to remove the picture of Debbie that was at the head of this Blog because every time I come here It would set off waves of emotion that made me start Crying. I miss her so much. I have to start doing something positive for myself each day. Yesterday I went to have my taxes done and found that I will be getting a $1200 refund. I am very thankful for that because with my huge loss of income from being Debbies caregiver I will need it. When a person is a caregiver for someone for so long it becomes an obsession of sorts. I have forgotten how to look for work. I applied for unemployment benefits but mistakenly clicked no when asked if I had any physical limitations. Well I do. I have Hep-C, Liver disease and degenerative disc disease in my back which causes sciatica(nerve pain). My resume is empty except for the last ten years + as a care giver. My experience as a sound engineer and TV studio tech was so long ago that it is obsolete now. It is going to be hard to find a job I am suited for. All I have done for the past ten years is be a care giver. I still take care of her brother. But his disease hasn't progressed to the level Debbies had. I am thinking about Vocational rehab. Maybe get my fork lift cert. Back. I was a really good fork lift driver but it was so long ago.
The worse times are the mornings and late evenings when I miss her the most. I can not even begin to remove her belongings from the dressers and closet. It is too painful. I imagine I will get around to it eventually. I want to be happy again. I know that my wife Loved me and would want that for me as well. But right now The grief is still to fresh.

Build Memories, Not Regrets

If you are Lucky enough to Love someone who Loves You in return. Love them like there is no tomorrow. For there may not be a tomorrow. Build good memories. Not Regrets. Good memories will help you get through. Regrets will not. NEVER miss an opportunity to show them how much they mean to You. And NEVER take them for granted.

Debbie, I'm Thinking of you

"You were in my arms
Right where You Belong
And we were so in Love
It Was Almost Like A Song

Now My Broken Heart
Cries for You Each Night
And it's Almost Like A Song
But It's Much To Sad To Write"

When I reach for you each morning
and realize your not there
The pain I feel within my heart
is more than I can Bear
But I'll try to find the strength my Love
To Carry on with Life
and shout it from the mountain tops
I'm Proud you were My Wife.

The loneliness Is unbearable and the silence is deafening. I can still hear her voice calling from the other room, Honey can you Bring me something to Drink"? And I find myself starting to move as if to head for the kitchen when it hits me that it was all in my head and that she is no longer there. I try to find comfort in the thought that she is no longer in pain but at rest and at peace with the Lord, But My Faith I believe has been shakin a bit. I wonder how a Loving God could take both my son and my wife of so many years from me in less that a years time. I find it hard to look at the picture at the head of this blog without bursting into tears, so I may remove it. I don't Know. It hurts to cry, it hurts not to cry. It just plain Hurts. I know I have to start getting my ducks in a row financially because my savings are not going to last forever. But Right now I just don't feel like doing anything but sleeping because when I am asleep it doesn't hurt. Writing about all this on this blog does seem to help some as I really have no one to talk to about it. My church family has been of help but that just brings me back to the whole "Do I really Believe" thing. It is hard for me to believe like I said that a Loving God would take so much from me in such a short Time.

the crying has started again

God the crying has started again. I just can't seem to stop myself. I miss her so bad I hurt all over. Nothing I do seems to help me take my mind of of it. I will be ok one minute, then I look up and expect to see her standing there and I start to cry like a baby when I realize that she is really gone forever. I miss her touch, her smell, her voice, I even miss her complaining. I would give anything to hear her complain again. I hope that I can build the strength to get through this. I am truely scared to Death of a Future without her. Right now I feel like I have no Future. I have smoked so many cigarettes in the past to weeks that my throat hurts and the worry gene in me is afraid I have cancer or something which is compounding my anxiety. I feel empty and useless at this point.

Memorial Service

Well yesterday was the day. We held the memorial service for my Wife Debbie. Saw a lot of Family that I haven't seen in a while. The trouble with that is , is the only time we do seem to see each other is at Funerals, oh and an occasional wedding now that my Nieces and Nephews are getting into ther mid to late twenties. It was a Lovely service. Pastor Frank Did a great Job with the slide show and audo presentation and the Message. Looking at some of the photos from our wedding made me remember Just How beautiful My Debbie was. Iwas a little heart Broken that the person who proclaimed to be her "Best Friend" Did not show up. All week long she had been helping me prepare things and the morning of the service was even dressed to go. Had something prepared that she wanted to read and then just didn't show up. Hasn't called or answered her phone to say why, Nothing. I guess I should be understanding being as she is the type of person that goes to pieces and becomes meg-neurotic when a cat gets sick or dies. Maybe she just figured that she would become too emotional and backed out at the last minute. On the other hand she has a flip side personality that is very self centered and does irrational things and has a very High opinion of herself at times. Just a mixed Bag I guess. So I'll just have to let it go because if I mention it to her she will go all emotionally ballistic and turn it into a feud of sorts, Seen her do it before. Weel Gotta go for now. Hard to type when eyes are filling with tears.