"Ocean's Dinosaur"

"Oceans Dinosaur"
(I'll Be Right Back)
Here is another Installment of "Tales of The Tide"

To Recap How I met My Dear departed Friend "Ocean Waters"
In 1977(ish) My Friend Steve and I were hired to Build a stage for the first annual Russian River Country Music Festival and to work Beach Security on Johnson's Beach at Night. This is Where My First Encounter with "Ocean" Occurred.
On the first night I stationed myself at the N.W Entrance to make sure no one climbed over the small gate there. It was a dark moonless night and we were underneath the cover of large trees so there wasn't even any star light, so as you might imagine it was quite dark. As I stood there making small talk with some of the locals that had sorta camped out in line to get the best places on the beach for the concert I reached into my pocket for something and out dropped a hit of purple micro dot acid that I had gotten from one of the locals the day before. As you can imagine it was going to be impossible to find in the dark. I was just about to give up looking for it when a voice came out of the darkness and exclaimed "FOUND IT". I looked up to see this short Hippie looking guy with shoulder length hair wearing a flat brimmed cowboy type hat with a feather in the band. He started to hand me the hit of acid and I just told him, Man you found it so you keep it, my treat. I would not Know his name or see him again till years later when we would meet in Fairfield and discover in conversation that we had met before on that dark moonless night more than 4 years earlier and more than 100 miles away.
Jump ahead now to 1981 or 82 not sure which as in those days My Drug Use was at a Peak. We were (as usual) having a few people over the apt to "Party" My Friend Jim D Brought with him His Friend Ocean Waters and as I mentioned above we Discovered that we Had met a few years earlier in Guernville Ca.
One of the First things I discovered About "Ocean" was that he was Very Intelligent. He didn't have much formal schooling but he was an avid Reader of just about anything in print. He was also The perfect Homeless person and by that I mean he was good at it and preferred it to Living in a traditional apt or house or what have you. He was also sort of a Hippie Dippie Junk man. "Ocean was the owner of a 1954 International which had previously been a California dept of Forestry Truck with a camouflage paint Job. It was Equipped with Full Length side tool compartments as well as what was probably one of the first mobile Phones Mounted on the Dashboard (not working of Course) Well aboard this truck was just about "some of everything" or so it seemed. Countless were the times when in the coarse of an evening someone would be in need of something like the most obscure kind of nut or bolt or thingamajig or doohickey you could Possibly imagine for their "Tweaker Project" At some point some one would exclaim "If I only had....." Then from across the room you would here the words "I'll be Right Back" "Ocean" would then proceed to his "Mobile Junk Yard" and shortly thereafter return with just the right part to complete what ever was being built or repaired.
One night we were sitting in the Living room of Mine and Debbie's apt discussing having a yard sale because we had TONS of stuff to get rid of because we were planning on Moving. At some point the subject of advertising the Yard sale came up and I said that it was too bad we did not have a printing press to print up flyers to distribute about town. Suddenly from the other side of the room came that Familiar (you guessed it ) "I'll be Right Back" It was of course "Ocean" As he left the apt heading for his truck which we all referred to as "The Dinosaur" We looked at one another and I could tell we were all thinking, Naw, Can't be. Well we were wrong. Ocean soon returned carrying an old (but working Mimeograph Ink Drum printer along with about 200 sheets of paper, Ink and the The Carbon paper need for the template. My Artist Friend Mark drew up a fantastic poster style flyer onto the Carbon sheet and we proceeded to run off 200 flyers.
There were many occasions We would here those words "I'll be Right Back" The night we were watching a really good Movie on TV and the Tv went out, "Ocean" again, to the Dinosaur and back with a TV set It was a small portable B&W but at least we could finish watching the movie. On another Occasion My Nephew Eddie mentioned that he Had wanted to go snow skiing on the up coming week end but one of his skis was broken, (You Guessed it)
"BE RIGHT BACK" "Ocean" comes back with a set of snow skis AND the wax needed to prepare them. It really was kinda eerie at times, Like he was the All powerful "Wizard of ODD" because just about anything one would possibly need seemed to be tucked away somewhere aboard "The Dinosaur"

Well Hell. Looks like I MAY have another Heart Blockage. Having an angio gram Monday to determine if I do. Been very symptomatic with left arm and neck muscle contractions and pain. Chest pain and tingling sensations in my jaws along with BP spikes. Doc THINKS it MAY be anxiety related but playing it safe and checking it out anyway. I sure hope there is no Blockage. Not sure I could withstand another surgery. Really kinda scared. I don't know if anybody reads this or not but if you do. Wish me luck, OK? Feeling scared and alone.

Well it's been quite a while since I've posted anything here.Mainly because since my last post I have undergone Double by-pass open heart surgery. The stents that they put in in October 2011 Clotted off as well as another artery. So April 20th I had the surgery followed by six weeks of agonizing pain from having my chest cracked open. Then to make matters worse I developed pneumonia. I am now on a Low fat, low sodium Low cholesterol and in my opinion low TASTE Diet. But we have to do what we have to do. One good thing that came out of this is that I have lost over 30 LBS. which is a GOOD thing. I still need to lose about 20-30 more and I'll be happy. PEACE ALL. :-)

Living with Ghosts.

I am finding it harder and harder rather than easier to move on after the deaths of my Wife and sons. After som many years of being their caregiver and making sure that their needs were met I feel as if I have no purpose in life. The apt is still filled with Their belongings and Debbie's clothes are still hanging in the closet as if waiting for her to return. I am afraid that that is what I am doing subconsciously. I know that they are not coming back, They are DEAD. I was always the one that made sure everyone took their meds and made doctor appointments and that they were fed and Bathed and got everyone started on what needed to be done each day no matter what. But now that I no longer have them and I am on disability I just for the life of me can't seem to be able to do the same thing for my self. I have only one more back payment coming from disability and after that my income is less than my rent. I have to make what is to me a giant leap and get OUT of this apt. Last night I came within a gnats ass of doing myself in. The pain and despair I feel is so great. For nearly 30 years we were a FAMILY of 4 and I am the only one left. The only thing I believe that kept me from doing it was how sharp the knife felt against my chest and the thought of how long I might lie there in pain before I bled out. It's a good thing I don't own a gun because at THAT moment knowing that it would most likely be instantaneous I may have went through with it. I feel useless and alone all the time.

"Heart Of The Matter"

For quite a while now I have been having chest pains and shortness of breath which I assumed was due to my COPD. Well last week they did a Cardiac catheter and discovered that one of my arteries was 90% blocked and another was about 70%. The installed two Titanium stents and put me on Plavix (anticoagulant) and 325mg aspirin. The doctor told me that I was a heart attack waiting to happen. Now with the new drugs every time I get a tiny cut it Bleeds like hell. Kinda freaks me out knowing I have metal in my arteries.

Throwing out the past.

Today I began the process of prying myself away from my past Life with Debbie. I am in the position of having to let go of nearly EVERyTING that was "OURS". It is one of the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. My sister suggested that I do one garbage bag a day, so today I did two. All of her stuffed animals that were not in good enough condition to sell at a yard sale, Clothes, and various other Items. It was hard to do as my eyes were filled with Tears as I threw each item in the dumpster. I need to Drastically Down size so I can move to a rented Room somewhere. I can only keep small mementos of her and our Picture albums. I have to have some one else take Our Cat Salem to the SPCA because I can't do it. She is the Last Living connection to my Prior life with Deb as she was her Cat. I miss you my Love.

Living here alone since My wife passed away has begun to take it's toll on me. The Loneliness is almost Unbearable at times. To be perfectly honest there are times when I feel like I just want to end my Life. The only Problem Is that I have always been taught that suicide is the ONE unforgivable sin in the eyes of God. The Other problem is just how to do it. I am to much of a coward to do anything that would be painful and I am afraid that if I took an overdose of pills I would change my mind only too late to summon help. Hell I don't know what to do.