Living with Ghosts.

I am finding it harder and harder rather than easier to move on after the deaths of my Wife and sons. After som many years of being their caregiver and making sure that their needs were met I feel as if I have no purpose in life. The apt is still filled with Their belongings and Debbie's clothes are still hanging in the closet as if waiting for her to return. I am afraid that that is what I am doing subconsciously. I know that they are not coming back, They are DEAD. I was always the one that made sure everyone took their meds and made doctor appointments and that they were fed and Bathed and got everyone started on what needed to be done each day no matter what. But now that I no longer have them and I am on disability I just for the life of me can't seem to be able to do the same thing for my self. I have only one more back payment coming from disability and after that my income is less than my rent. I have to make what is to me a giant leap and get OUT of this apt. Last night I came within a gnats ass of doing myself in. The pain and despair I feel is so great. For nearly 30 years we were a FAMILY of 4 and I am the only one left. The only thing I believe that kept me from doing it was how sharp the knife felt against my chest and the thought of how long I might lie there in pain before I bled out. It's a good thing I don't own a gun because at THAT moment knowing that it would most likely be instantaneous I may have went through with it. I feel useless and alone all the time.

"Heart Of The Matter"

For quite a while now I have been having chest pains and shortness of breath which I assumed was due to my COPD. Well last week they did a Cardiac catheter and discovered that one of my arteries was 90% blocked and another was about 70%. The installed two Titanium stents and put me on Plavix (anticoagulant) and 325mg aspirin. The doctor told me that I was a heart attack waiting to happen. Now with the new drugs every time I get a tiny cut it Bleeds like hell. Kinda freaks me out knowing I have metal in my arteries.

Throwing out the past.

Today I began the process of prying myself away from my past Life with Debbie. I am in the position of having to let go of nearly EVERyTING that was "OURS". It is one of the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. My sister suggested that I do one garbage bag a day, so today I did two. All of her stuffed animals that were not in good enough condition to sell at a yard sale, Clothes, and various other Items. It was hard to do as my eyes were filled with Tears as I threw each item in the dumpster. I need to Drastically Down size so I can move to a rented Room somewhere. I can only keep small mementos of her and our Picture albums. I have to have some one else take Our Cat Salem to the SPCA because I can't do it. She is the Last Living connection to my Prior life with Deb as she was her Cat. I miss you my Love.

Living here alone since My wife passed away has begun to take it's toll on me. The Loneliness is almost Unbearable at times. To be perfectly honest there are times when I feel like I just want to end my Life. The only Problem Is that I have always been taught that suicide is the ONE unforgivable sin in the eyes of God. The Other problem is just how to do it. I am to much of a coward to do anything that would be painful and I am afraid that if I took an overdose of pills I would change my mind only too late to summon help. Hell I don't know what to do.

Now they are all gone.

This is my first post in quite a while. Since I last posted anything on this blog The Dystrophy Has Taken the last of Them. First my son Daniel Feb 14 2009, Then My Wife Debbie,Feb 14 2010, Now My Brother in law who has lived with me for 15 years, April 12 2011. They are all now gone and I am left here alone with just memories of them. Losing Buck(bro in law) was akin to losing a second son as he lived with us for so long and I was his primary caregiver. I just can't wrap my head around it, how could a loving God take them all from me in such a short period of time. I hardly had time to properly Grieve for one before he took another. Just sayin.

Well Here it is. To borrow a line from my Friend Keath, I am just going to back the dump truck up here and unload. I used to consider myself a fairly faithful Christian years ago, The I drifted away and back again. Now I would probably consider myself an Agnostic. Why? Because I just for the life of me cannot see how a "Loving God" could Take my 28 Year old son from me on Feb. 14th of last year and My wife of nearly 30 years one year less two days Later. Sure Danny had health issues but he was a Happy Boy that Loved everyone. My wife Debbie had the Same disease. Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. I had been my wife's care giver for so long that not only did I lose my spouse and my Love and best friend I also lost what had become my purpose in life. when a person is a care giver for someone(especially a loved one) it becomes an addiction of sorts. I miss her more with each passing day and I just don't feel like going on sometimes. At times the pain is so intense that I have actually considered suicide by cop. Not having the Balls to do it my self. That plus the part of me that still might believe in God Knows that it is a sin to take your own life. So "IF" there is an after life I want to go to the good one.

To make matters worse I am still caring for Debbie's brother Darrel. He has the same disease and it is getting worse. I am watching him die slowly but surely before my eyes. I would venture to say, since both his sisters didn't live pass 54 and his mom(same damn disease) past 60 that he doesn't have mush Longer.He is 53 now. And being as caring for them is all I have done for nearly 13-15 years I am just about unemployable . That and My own health problems make me unable to do much more than keep up the Apt. and cook for the two us. I have applied for disability and am still awaiting the outcome. If anything happens to Darrel before my savings are depleted I will most likely end up homeless on the street. I would rather be dead. Hell most days That's how I feel anyway. One minute I am ok and the next I am crying like A baby. Feeling guilty like if I had been a better husband or better care giver maybe she would still be here. I know that isn't the case but one can't control the subconscious.

Time Heals all???

I know that they say that "Time heals all wounds" But I think not. It has been nearly two and a half months since my wife passed away. I guess in the grand scheme of things that isn't a long time. We were married nearly 30 years. Every day the pain of not having her by my side grows stronger. My depression grows deeper. I miss her so much I cry almost every morning and at night. There are days when I just feel like giving up, like I don't want to live anymore. I guess because most of my time was devoted to caring for her because of her disability I feel as if my life has no purpose. Add to that that I also lost my son to the same disease less than a year earlier I feel like God is punishing me for some reason. To take the two most important people in my life from me in such a short period of time just doesn't seem fair. I can't look at her picture or even her clothes without breaking down in tears. I know that there has to be a time for me to clean out her dresser and remove some of her belongings but I just can't even look at most of them right now. I am 54 years old and I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life alone and that scares me half to death> I hate being alone. After all, we were together nearly every day of those 30 wonderful years.