Well it's another day and here I sit at the computer.
I was just listening to Don Henley's "The Heart of the Matter" and found my self moved to tears. It's times like these that I realize that I am unhappy, very unhappy and I just don't know what to do with myself. I am sad and lonely in a room full of people. I feel as if my marriage is non existent and it is my fault. Everything is my fault. I have an anger and resentment problem that I just don't know how to deal with. I know that this just sounds like self pity and rambling but I sometimes feel like I just want to lay down and die. My health is so screwed up lately that I don't feel like I have but a few years left anyway. I don't know this for a fact but that's just how I feel. Haven't smoked a cigarette for nearly a year and my breathing just seems to get worse instead of better. Figure that.
Every so often these feelings come back.
I can't prevent it, I cant block them out, and I can't talk to anyone about them.
Should I feel guilty for it? maybe I should but I don't.
I miss you ya know. Sometimes in my dreams we are together again and everything is right with the world. Then I wake up and realize I am still right where I was yesterday. It's been nearly 30 years and these dreams still come.
"I'm learning to live without you baby,
But I miss you sometimes,
and the more I know, the less I understand,
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I'll have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about
Forgiveness
Even if, You don't love me anymore."
..............................................D Henley
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1 comment:
Sorry I haven't been around much of late. I think I know where you're coming from and I think it's okay to have a little self pity, to have those down moments. Sometimes acknowledging them makes them go away...for a while. My life is parrallel to yours. We both have different challenges, of course. Different demons to slay. They keep us apart. They keep us from thinking straight. I've been so upset by my denied promotion of the past week that I am having a hard time thinking straight. I hate being angry. It hurts and I'm only hurting myself. I check in on you now and then but never know what to say. If misery loves company, maybe I can provide that. Company. Know you're not alone. I think of you as a worthy friend, a compassionate bud, someone I deeply care about. I'm not kidding. I'm glad we have each other and I hope both our lives will get easier somehow, some way, and the sooner the better.
Keath
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