Well it's another day and here I sit at the computer.
I was just listening to Don Henley's "The Heart of the Matter" and found my self moved to tears. It's times like these that I realize that I am unhappy, very unhappy and I just don't know what to do with myself. I am sad and lonely in a room full of people. I feel as if my marriage is non existent and it is my fault. Everything is my fault. I have an anger and resentment problem that I just don't know how to deal with. I know that this just sounds like self pity and rambling but I sometimes feel like I just want to lay down and die. My health is so screwed up lately that I don't feel like I have but a few years left anyway. I don't know this for a fact but that's just how I feel. Haven't smoked a cigarette for nearly a year and my breathing just seems to get worse instead of better. Figure that.
Every so often these feelings come back.
I can't prevent it, I cant block them out, and I can't talk to anyone about them.
Should I feel guilty for it? maybe I should but I don't.
I miss you ya know. Sometimes in my dreams we are together again and everything is right with the world. Then I wake up and realize I am still right where I was yesterday. It's been nearly 30 years and these dreams still come.
"I'm learning to live without you baby,
But I miss you sometimes,
and the more I know, the less I understand,
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I'll have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about
Forgiveness
Even if, You don't love me anymore."
..............................................D Henley
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I can think of a thousand things I would like to write about. A thousand things I want to say. Till I sit down at the key board, Then my mind just goes blank. I'd like to be the kind of writer that can just sit down and with "Flying Fingers" write about all the things that go through my mind. Like the other night I was watching a documentary about the space program and how they expect a manned mission to Mars around 2030. This brought to mind the awe and wonder I remember feeling as a kid watching the moon landing. Then I realized that I probably wont be around to see it. Now this is a perfect example of what I was talking about, I knew 1 minute ago what I wanted to say and now my mind has just lost it. Goddamnit, I can remember looking through the bars of my frickin crib and things that happened when I was only 2 years old but I have trouble remembering what I was thinking only a few minutes ago. Maybe the problem is all the distractions around me. Kids playing in the pool, the television is going in the other room, my wife and her brother are talking, Cars are driving by with loud stereos that produce a mindless beat that apparently todays young people consider "Music". To me it just sounds like the same major note over and over and over again. It shakes the walls of the building and and I can feel it deep in my chest. It just drives me totaly insane. Well there ya go, I have started to rant.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sooner or Later
It's 4:30 AM on a Tuesday,
It doesn't get much worse than this,
In beds, in rooms, in Buildings,
In the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless.
Please help me stay awake I'm falling,
asleep in perfect blue buildings,
beside the green apple sea,
Just wanna get me a little oblivion baby,
and try and keep myself away from
myself and me.
---------------------------------------------A.Duritz
Sooner or later you wake up in the morning and realize that there are more days behind you than in front of you. Sooner or later you realize that the names in the obituaries are the same as the names in your high school year book.
At one point in my life I wanted to be a television repairman. I was always rather good with electronic things and I was always building something or another with spare parts. I remember when I was laid up in a body cast in a hospital bed at home(Fractured By Back in Gym class) I was always having to call some one to come and change the tv channel for me or turn the volume up or down or the set on or off etc. So I devised a remote control device of sorts using the the rotisserie motor from a BBQ grill, this was attached to the tv tuner shaft and the power cord was plugged into a box I built with a toggle switch. To change the channel I simply hit the switch and the motor would slowly rotate and turn the channel. It had no reverse so to get back to another channel you simply went through them all till you got back to where you were. It also had a volume control and an on/off switch for the TV.
As you can tell I had a lot of time on my hands then.
Another little device I remember was something that I built using a kit that my mom brought me from Radio Shack. It was a 100 in 1 spring board electronic kit that came with a large circuit board with springs on it and a supply of diodes, transistors, resistors, volume pots and such. It had schematics that you would follow to build different things. One of the best and actually the most useful was an AM Transmitter that had a variable setting. It came with a microphone and you could set an am radio to an unused frequency and broadcast your voice over the radio. This was supposed to only be used with the 9 volt battery and an antenna not exceeding 18 inches. But after I got out of the cast and was able to do so I promptly upped the voltage to 12 volts an hooked it up to a roof top TV antenna
and instead of the microphone I hooked up the audio out put wires from a record player and VOILA my own am radio station that could be heard as far as my Friends house which was at least 7-8 blocks away as the crow flys on a good clear day and maybe further at night. I think this is what inspired me to take a broadcasting class at school which Resulted in the opportunity to work as a disc Jockey and radio host on our local high school radio show once a week on the local station KVON. It was Called "Cruising" with Ron Savage and Dana Mitchell. This was one of the most memorable and happiest times of my life. In fact I will write about it in another post and go into more detail. It is something I have always been especially proud of.
It doesn't get much worse than this,
In beds, in rooms, in Buildings,
In the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless.
Please help me stay awake I'm falling,
asleep in perfect blue buildings,
beside the green apple sea,
Just wanna get me a little oblivion baby,
and try and keep myself away from
myself and me.
---------------------------------------------A.Duritz
Sooner or later you wake up in the morning and realize that there are more days behind you than in front of you. Sooner or later you realize that the names in the obituaries are the same as the names in your high school year book.
At one point in my life I wanted to be a television repairman. I was always rather good with electronic things and I was always building something or another with spare parts. I remember when I was laid up in a body cast in a hospital bed at home(Fractured By Back in Gym class) I was always having to call some one to come and change the tv channel for me or turn the volume up or down or the set on or off etc. So I devised a remote control device of sorts using the the rotisserie motor from a BBQ grill, this was attached to the tv tuner shaft and the power cord was plugged into a box I built with a toggle switch. To change the channel I simply hit the switch and the motor would slowly rotate and turn the channel. It had no reverse so to get back to another channel you simply went through them all till you got back to where you were. It also had a volume control and an on/off switch for the TV.
As you can tell I had a lot of time on my hands then.
Another little device I remember was something that I built using a kit that my mom brought me from Radio Shack. It was a 100 in 1 spring board electronic kit that came with a large circuit board with springs on it and a supply of diodes, transistors, resistors, volume pots and such. It had schematics that you would follow to build different things. One of the best and actually the most useful was an AM Transmitter that had a variable setting. It came with a microphone and you could set an am radio to an unused frequency and broadcast your voice over the radio. This was supposed to only be used with the 9 volt battery and an antenna not exceeding 18 inches. But after I got out of the cast and was able to do so I promptly upped the voltage to 12 volts an hooked it up to a roof top TV antenna
and instead of the microphone I hooked up the audio out put wires from a record player and VOILA my own am radio station that could be heard as far as my Friends house which was at least 7-8 blocks away as the crow flys on a good clear day and maybe further at night. I think this is what inspired me to take a broadcasting class at school which Resulted in the opportunity to work as a disc Jockey and radio host on our local high school radio show once a week on the local station KVON. It was Called "Cruising" with Ron Savage and Dana Mitchell. This was one of the most memorable and happiest times of my life. In fact I will write about it in another post and go into more detail. It is something I have always been especially proud of.
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