You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself to make yourself FORGET!

When I get up in the morning the first thing I usually do is have my coffee while checking out my friend Keaths Blog. This morning I was surprised and Pleased to see that he referred to me as his "New Best Friend" I would like to take this opportunity to say that the feeling is mutual. Recently I had posted some lyrics to a song By "Counting Crows" called "Anna Begins" on my Blog. This song holds special significance because of the what I am Dealing with due to Debbies illness. When I read Keath's Blog this morning I was blown away at his take on the lyrics, I have never heard it put so well. Alot of times when I am feeling depressed and alone in all the chaos that surrounds me I will slap on a set of headphones put that CD in the player and go away for a little while.



I have also noticed that with all the similarities in our relationships with our wives there are also some significant differences. Where as Cindy will give Him a hug and ask if she is bothering him Debbie would just prefer to bother me.

It seems as if after 26 years of marriage we are drifting farther and farther apart instead of becoming closer. The only time we seem to really get along any more is when we are in church on sunday and I am begining to wonder if that is just for show. At times I feel as if I love her just as much as I ever did and at times I don't even like her any more. and I am sure that the feeling is mutual alot of the time. There a weeks that we get along and really try hard to please each other and then there are times when we say hurtful things to each other and I feel like I just want out.



Debbie's Disability Is a disease called "Myotonic Dystrophy". It is a degenerative muscle disease that also effects motor function and mental functions. It is a hereditary condition that has taken the lives of her first born son and most recently her Favorite Aunt."Judy" due to complications from the Dystrophy and Pneumonia That landed her in a rest home about 5 years ago where she just languished in and out of comas till finally passing away last month. So I take care of her and her Brother who is also afflicted with this terrible disease, They are both able still able to walk, somewhat with the help of a cane or walker and Debbie has a scooter to get around town, But when it comes to house work, shopping, remembering DR appointments, Medication etc. It is all on me, And my problems and needs seem to fall by the way side. I hope that i don't sound Like whiner but But right now i just really need some "Me" time. Case in point, at this very moment I am trying to write this while at the same time answer Questions from Debbie that I truely believe are designed just to draw attention away from the computer to her, I only spend about an hour a day or so on the computer which I don't think is unreasonable but to hear her talk about it I am on it "all" day long. I have even tried writing late at night (2AM) but if I am not in the Bed and she wakes up she comes into the kitchen and complains about my being up, Oh shit I am whining, I guess I better stop for now cause I start to ramble when I get like this.



I never realized the Relevance that "Anna Begins" has in my life.



How I feel right now:



With the status of my emotions

oh, she says, "you're changing".

But we're always changing



It does not bother me to say this isn't love

because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't

love

and I guess I'm gonna have to live with that

But i'm sure there's

something in a shade

of grey, or

something in between

and I can always

change my name

if thats what you

mean.