Living with Ghosts.

I am finding it harder and harder rather than easier to move on after the deaths of my Wife and sons. After som many years of being their caregiver and making sure that their needs were met I feel as if I have no purpose in life. The apt is still filled with Their belongings and Debbie's clothes are still hanging in the closet as if waiting for her to return. I am afraid that that is what I am doing subconsciously. I know that they are not coming back, They are DEAD. I was always the one that made sure everyone took their meds and made doctor appointments and that they were fed and Bathed and got everyone started on what needed to be done each day no matter what. But now that I no longer have them and I am on disability I just for the life of me can't seem to be able to do the same thing for my self. I have only one more back payment coming from disability and after that my income is less than my rent. I have to make what is to me a giant leap and get OUT of this apt. Last night I came within a gnats ass of doing myself in. The pain and despair I feel is so great. For nearly 30 years we were a FAMILY of 4 and I am the only one left. The only thing I believe that kept me from doing it was how sharp the knife felt against my chest and the thought of how long I might lie there in pain before I bled out. It's a good thing I don't own a gun because at THAT moment knowing that it would most likely be instantaneous I may have went through with it. I feel useless and alone all the time.

"Heart Of The Matter"

For quite a while now I have been having chest pains and shortness of breath which I assumed was due to my COPD. Well last week they did a Cardiac catheter and discovered that one of my arteries was 90% blocked and another was about 70%. The installed two Titanium stents and put me on Plavix (anticoagulant) and 325mg aspirin. The doctor told me that I was a heart attack waiting to happen. Now with the new drugs every time I get a tiny cut it Bleeds like hell. Kinda freaks me out knowing I have metal in my arteries.

Throwing out the past.

Today I began the process of prying myself away from my past Life with Debbie. I am in the position of having to let go of nearly EVERyTING that was "OURS". It is one of the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. My sister suggested that I do one garbage bag a day, so today I did two. All of her stuffed animals that were not in good enough condition to sell at a yard sale, Clothes, and various other Items. It was hard to do as my eyes were filled with Tears as I threw each item in the dumpster. I need to Drastically Down size so I can move to a rented Room somewhere. I can only keep small mementos of her and our Picture albums. I have to have some one else take Our Cat Salem to the SPCA because I can't do it. She is the Last Living connection to my Prior life with Deb as she was her Cat. I miss you my Love.

Living here alone since My wife passed away has begun to take it's toll on me. The Loneliness is almost Unbearable at times. To be perfectly honest there are times when I feel like I just want to end my Life. The only Problem Is that I have always been taught that suicide is the ONE unforgivable sin in the eyes of God. The Other problem is just how to do it. I am to much of a coward to do anything that would be painful and I am afraid that if I took an overdose of pills I would change my mind only too late to summon help. Hell I don't know what to do.

Now they are all gone.

This is my first post in quite a while. Since I last posted anything on this blog The Dystrophy Has Taken the last of Them. First my son Daniel Feb 14 2009, Then My Wife Debbie,Feb 14 2010, Now My Brother in law who has lived with me for 15 years, April 12 2011. They are all now gone and I am left here alone with just memories of them. Losing Buck(bro in law) was akin to losing a second son as he lived with us for so long and I was his primary caregiver. I just can't wrap my head around it, how could a loving God take them all from me in such a short period of time. I hardly had time to properly Grieve for one before he took another. Just sayin.