Loss of Identity

I don't know who I am any more. I wonder where the remnants of who I used to be are. Well, let me put it this way. I have become some one other than who I was. I have become Debbie's Husband and care giver. I have become the person who cooks and cleans and shops for her and her Brother and the guy who picks up Danny on the week ends and Changes his adult diapers. I wasn't always just this. I have lost a sense of who "I" am. I can no longer write music like I used to. I am not half he guitar player that I used to be. I have no outside interests or hobbies other than this blog. I wasn't always just "THIS" I used to be paid for my music, I was(for a while) a local radio personality. I was an actor, a part time cameraman and Technical director at our college TV station, I had a lot of friends. I was much more than what I now see when I look in the mirror. The following verse probably describes how I am feeling at this moment. Do I sound selfish? I hope not.


Mama Mama Mama, why am I so alone?
I can't go outside I'm scared I might not make it home,
I'm alive, I'm alive, But I'm sinking in,
if there's anyone home at your place
why don't you invite me in,
don't try to bleed me,
I've been there before and I deserve a little more.

( From "Rain King" By Adam Duritz)

Southern Calif. Fires.

My heart really goes out to the people of so. Calif. That have been effected by the current fires now wreaking havoc in the area. My sister lives in Chula Vista and tells me that they are ok for now but if the wind changes directions and doesn't let up then it may be a different story. My niece lives in a neighborhood that is next in line for evacuation.

I spoke with my sister this morning and she tells me that the 1000 trails campground near where she lives was saved by the Saint Helena fire dept. which is in the Napa Valley where I grew up. She also tells me that the local fairgrounds which is being used to house evacuated livestock is so full that there are 3 horses to a stall. Qualcom stadium is full as is the local high school down the street from her house. My nephew David worked there all night last night as a volunteer, I am really proud of him.

If you live in these areas our prayers are with you and be safe.

All bottled up

I've been sitting here for over an hour just staring at the screen trying to find the words to describe how I am feeling today and I am having a hell of a time breaking through the cloud of depression that is hanging over me. Yesterday sucked. I had a big argument with my upstairs neighbor of her company pulling up in front of the apartment blasting loud bass from their car stereo. It woke me up and I guess I just snapped and cursed them out. Now My neighbor who is usually very nice. is acting all bent out of shape and not speaking to me. Whenever it was some one else doing this she was in complete agreement with me but now when it is one of her own people it's a different story. I have known for a while that she isn't all there in the head and that it was only a matter of time before she turned on me as I have seen her turn on others here in the complex. She is all nicey nicey to their face but the minute their back is turned she starts badmouthing them.

I should have Known something was wrong with her when she first moved in 2 tears ago. She bought some patio furniture for he balcony and had her some come assemble it for her. The table came in a big box that was sealed with those big copper staples. well apparently he left these laying on her patio and the next day she asked my wife "Does your husband own a stable gun?" My wife replied "no" we have a stapler" Later that day She asked me "Do you own a staple gun?" I said "No" to which she replied "well your wife says you do, and I want to know why you've been shooting these big stables up onto my patio. I told her that I had done no such thing to which she replied,"Well they didn't just fall from the sky"At that moment I saw the big box and knew exactly where they had come from but she didn't want to hear it and Just turned around and walked back inside.

I hate neighbor problems. I tried to be the bigger person and said good morning this a.m. but she just stuck her nose in the air and ignored me. I hate this. I have been so depressed lately that this is just making it worse. I have been going through a slump where I miss my daughter really bad and have been reminded of her and her mom every time I turn around. I love Debbie But Celeste was my first REAL Love and I guess no matter how hard I try I will never really get over her.

It is odd that today I read my friends blog and he was writing about how pleased and thrilled he was that he was able to go buy some new underwear. This was odd because that was one of the things I had planned for today myself. But as luck would have it when I looked at the size label on the ones I was wearing I was horrified to realize that I was going to have to buy ones that are at least 3 sizes bigger. Now I am really depressed. I have gained so much weight is my stomach it ain't even funny. Time for a song Parody:

Fat man eatin" in the dead of night,
Buy some chicken wings and learn to fry,
What a fright, such an appetite,
You are only waitin' for you pizza to arrive.

To the tune of the Beatles "Black Bird"

To my Buddy Keath, Hope those fires down your way are nowhere near your home.
P.S. My store doesn't carry Covington Brand(LOL)

Cat Stevens - How Can I Tell You

This Song says everything I've wanted to say to Celeste for the past 28 years. I know I must sound awful being as I am Married to another woman but right now my Heart Can't help it. I go through these feelings every so often. I used to play this song for her.

Top ten most depressing Jobs.

I read an article the other day that listed the top ten most depressing Jobs.
My Job "Care giver"was number 1. Number two was social worker. What the hell that has to do with anything I don't know I just thought I'd pass it along. Actually I think I'm just trying to avoid going to bed. I've been having bad dreams lately that wake me up in a sweat every hour or so. Don't remember them, just that they are very unpleasant. I need to get my script for Ambien refilled. Or go back to smoking herb.
I think herb is cheaper But Ambien is legal.

Omaha - Counting Crows Omaha Nebraska Old Market

IT IS THE HEART THAT MATTERS MORE.

A Savage World Indeed.

I am so ashamed of myself. Lately I have been posting about how "I" am so thrilled with "You Tube" and how "I" am so happy to finally have a high speed connection, Or Bitching about "My" AOL program messing with "My" computer.

I was reading my friends blog this morning and compared to what he is going through I am living the life of Riley. I mean this is a guy whom with all his own financial woes and other problems offered to send me money when my son and wife were in the hospital a while back. I could not believe that some one that I only knew from correspondents on the web was willing to reach out and help in such a way.

Today he spoke of feelings of worthlessness and failure at being a good human being. About hating his life and envy of those who have passed on. From what I can see this is a guy who goes to work every day, does the best he can to provide for his family and pets(He's a cat lover) has care and concern for his friends,and from what I can tell he has a lot of friends that care for him. Now if you ask me these are all indications that he is not only not a failure and not worthless but is a huge success in every way that really matters.

He also wrote that he feels he is not very smart or wise. I read this guys blog just about every day and i can tell you he is very smart, very articulate and one hell of a good writer. I have told him in the past that I think the answer to his financial problems lies in his writing. I truly think he could turn out a successful screenplay. Give his blog a read and see if you don't agree. It is linked here.
God bless you guy, Keep hangin in there. To Quote one of my favorite Lyricists ,
"Gettin Right To The Heart Of Matters, It's The Heart That Matters More"
(From "Omaha" By Adam Duritz)

I'm Soooo Confused.

In the immortal words of Vinny Barbarino from "Welcome Back kotter"
"I'm Sooooo confused" As many (If any) who read my blog know, I am fairly new to computers, so it only follows that when my AOL program started screwing up my computer that I would totally freak out. Over the past few days I have lost and regained my address books, Favorite places, not to mention all of the mail that I had saved to my PCs filing cabinet(have not gotten the saved mail back).To make matters worse I discovered this morning that some how a second account had been created for which I was going to be charged. So I had to spend an enormous amount of time on hold with their billing dept to get this mistake cleared up. I think I am just about ready to scrap AOL entirely and just go with Comcast for my connection and use Firefox for my Browser. In short, for all the extra bells and whistles that AOL has they still SUCK!!!!

Tickled Pink

I am just thrilled to have discovered "YOU TUBE". I am amazed at the never ending supply of entertainment available there. I have been typing in some of the most obscure names in the video search window and I have been treated to a veritable treasure trove of musical nostalgia. I have seen clips of bands from the sixties that I didn't know existed any more like The Jefferson Airplane on the old Smothers Brothers variety show, The Trogs, the Cowsills, Jimi Hendrix and many more. I could spend all day just thinking of bands from my youth and watching and listening to Great old music. Now I am in a quandary as to how I am going to be able to afford to keep my high speed connection when the six month discount period is up. I will have to find a way because I am now Hooked.

New Addiction

Well lets see, I spent years addicted to alcohol and gave it up for pot. Then I spent years addicted to pot and then added meth to the menu. Now that I have rid myself of those addictions I find my self in the grips of a new and far more addictive habit, Thats right, YOU TUBE!!!!! OMFG I just can't get enough. I started using about 5 days ago and have found my self at the screen watching videos and reading and replying to comments at least 5 hours a day or so. I need help(LOL). This is all because of comcast and their insidious discount offer on high speed internet which I believe is designed to snare people like me with addictive personalities and trap them forever in their fiber optic web. I don't think I will be able to escape when the six months is up and the price for the connection doubles. I'm Doomed.

"UNLESS"

I came across this video on you tube and right away I was impressed. It not only addresses what we are doing to our planet, But it does it using Dr. Seuss an Cat Stevens. What more could you ask for?

107 Flips on Top Spin

This is one awsome video. I am using it as a trial. This is my first attempt at poting a video

Back home again

Well my son Danny is home from his second stint in the hospital. This time he was there for a week, last time it was a month. during all this he has lost about 18 pounds because of being on a liquid diet and the fact that with all his colon problems he has not felt like eating hardly at all. One day last week I was at his room and had given him a carnation instant breakfast sweet berry flavor drink which is one of the few things he would drink. I left the room for a few minutes and when I returned I found that he had spilled it, He was crying and covering his face and head as if he thought that he was going to be punished for it. This has me really bothered because he lives in an intermediate care home for people with developmental disabilities and other conditions such as Cerebral Palsy and now I wonder what may be going on there. Saturday night I received a phone call from the discharge manager at the hospital, She told me that they may be sending him home on Sunday so I called the care home's owner and gave her the heads up.The next day I got another call from the hospital. This time it was to inform me that they had discharged him but that the owner of the care home said that there was no one available to pick him up or to care for him at the house till the next day.

These people are being paid well to care for him and where given 24 hours notice that he was coming home yet they were still unable to do their job. They reluctantly agreed to find some one to pick him up but after I had told the case manager at the hospital the story about spilling the drink she became concerned enough to keep him one more day at the hospital till I could talk with Danny's social worker to make sure that there is no abuse going on at the home.

These homes have a large turn over in employees because of the nature of the work. I know this first hand because I worked as an orderly at a nursing facility.
The home that Danny lives in is also home to three or for other clients that have Cerebral Palsy and are completely non ambulatory. In the five years that he has lived there the staff has changed completely two or three times, Just when you get to know the people caring for your loved ones they leave and a whole new bunch of strangers take over and it takes a while to get to know them and build trust. This problem is compounded by a language barrier because all the staff that the owner hires are usually Filipino and most of them have such thick accents that they are really hard to understand. I really hate to think that something maybe wrong at the home because he has made such great leaps forward in his development since he has been there, But like I said, with change of staff comes different people with different personalities. People like my son depend quite a lot on routine to function in their daily lives and when some one who cares for them has a different way of doing things than the last person it can frustrate and confuse them. So I have called his social worker and asked her to quietly look into things at the home, I really don't want to rock the boat unless there is a real reason to do so. There are very few facilities of this kind in the area and he has done really well there for so long and it is his home.