Time Heals all???

I know that they say that "Time heals all wounds" But I think not. It has been nearly two and a half months since my wife passed away. I guess in the grand scheme of things that isn't a long time. We were married nearly 30 years. Every day the pain of not having her by my side grows stronger. My depression grows deeper. I miss her so much I cry almost every morning and at night. There are days when I just feel like giving up, like I don't want to live anymore. I guess because most of my time was devoted to caring for her because of her disability I feel as if my life has no purpose. Add to that that I also lost my son to the same disease less than a year earlier I feel like God is punishing me for some reason. To take the two most important people in my life from me in such a short period of time just doesn't seem fair. I can't look at her picture or even her clothes without breaking down in tears. I know that there has to be a time for me to clean out her dresser and remove some of her belongings but I just can't even look at most of them right now. I am 54 years old and I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life alone and that scares me half to death> I hate being alone. After all, we were together nearly every day of those 30 wonderful years.

The Wizard Was Right

"Hearts will never be Practical untill they can be made Unbreakable"
L Frank Baum.

This is a line from The"Wizard of Oz"

i really don't know what to do with myself lately. I wake up ok but within a few minutes I start to cry. I have no energy or ambition to do anything but sleep. And every night I cry myself to sleep. Yesterday I realized that I don't even have a recording of her voice. God I don't want to forget what she sounded like. I didn't think I even had any video. But last night I found a video of one of our trips to Marine World. Unfortunately she is only on there a couple of times and the focus isn't to good part of the time. But at least I have an image of her alive and happy. I wish I wish I had taken more shots of her. Oh crap, I am crying as I write this, I miss her so much. It has been over a month. But one month against nearly 30 years and it isn't much time at all i guess. I am scared though because I have been having suicidal thoughts. Life just doesn't seem worth living without her. I don't qualify for unemployment because IHSS didn't cover UI for spouses who cared for spouses. I am not physically able to do manual Labor or even fast food. so now I have to go through the ugly process of applying for disability. They deny as a matter of routine and you have to appeal and appeal again then get a Lawyer Blah Blah Blah.

In a Dream

You came to me in my Dreams last night my Love.
You were young and vibrant. I could hear your voice softly telling me you Love Me. Oh how I wish that it were not a Dream. I miss you so much my heart aches. I pray that there is a heaven and that you are there with Danny and enjoying being free of the burdens of Life. I hurt for my self though because Life without you is unbearable. I pray each day for the strength to carry on. But sometimes it is hard. Sometimes I just want to come be with you. I want to believe that there is something after this Life. I Have to believe it. For without that hope I have nothing. I LOVE YOU

Waves of Emotion

I had to remove the picture of Debbie that was at the head of this Blog because every time I come here It would set off waves of emotion that made me start Crying. I miss her so much. I have to start doing something positive for myself each day. Yesterday I went to have my taxes done and found that I will be getting a $1200 refund. I am very thankful for that because with my huge loss of income from being Debbies caregiver I will need it. When a person is a caregiver for someone for so long it becomes an obsession of sorts. I have forgotten how to look for work. I applied for unemployment benefits but mistakenly clicked no when asked if I had any physical limitations. Well I do. I have Hep-C, Liver disease and degenerative disc disease in my back which causes sciatica(nerve pain). My resume is empty except for the last ten years + as a care giver. My experience as a sound engineer and TV studio tech was so long ago that it is obsolete now. It is going to be hard to find a job I am suited for. All I have done for the past ten years is be a care giver. I still take care of her brother. But his disease hasn't progressed to the level Debbies had. I am thinking about Vocational rehab. Maybe get my fork lift cert. Back. I was a really good fork lift driver but it was so long ago.
The worse times are the mornings and late evenings when I miss her the most. I can not even begin to remove her belongings from the dressers and closet. It is too painful. I imagine I will get around to it eventually. I want to be happy again. I know that my wife Loved me and would want that for me as well. But right now The grief is still to fresh.

Build Memories, Not Regrets

If you are Lucky enough to Love someone who Loves You in return. Love them like there is no tomorrow. For there may not be a tomorrow. Build good memories. Not Regrets. Good memories will help you get through. Regrets will not. NEVER miss an opportunity to show them how much they mean to You. And NEVER take them for granted.

Debbie, I'm Thinking of you

"You were in my arms
Right where You Belong
And we were so in Love
It Was Almost Like A Song

Now My Broken Heart
Cries for You Each Night
And it's Almost Like A Song
But It's Much To Sad To Write"