Living with Ghosts.

I am finding it harder and harder rather than easier to move on after the deaths of my Wife and sons. After som many years of being their caregiver and making sure that their needs were met I feel as if I have no purpose in life. The apt is still filled with Their belongings and Debbie's clothes are still hanging in the closet as if waiting for her to return. I am afraid that that is what I am doing subconsciously. I know that they are not coming back, They are DEAD. I was always the one that made sure everyone took their meds and made doctor appointments and that they were fed and Bathed and got everyone started on what needed to be done each day no matter what. But now that I no longer have them and I am on disability I just for the life of me can't seem to be able to do the same thing for my self. I have only one more back payment coming from disability and after that my income is less than my rent. I have to make what is to me a giant leap and get OUT of this apt. Last night I came within a gnats ass of doing myself in. The pain and despair I feel is so great. For nearly 30 years we were a FAMILY of 4 and I am the only one left. The only thing I believe that kept me from doing it was how sharp the knife felt against my chest and the thought of how long I might lie there in pain before I bled out. It's a good thing I don't own a gun because at THAT moment knowing that it would most likely be instantaneous I may have went through with it. I feel useless and alone all the time.